October 20, 2014

12:11 AM

I know I should’ve been sleep right now. It’s in the middle of the night. It’s late. I’m tired. I just arrived from Bandung. Today is Monday, and in 8 hours or so I should’ve gone in my car, start up the engine, going away to campus or after filling the petrol into the tank. Instead, I opened up my laptop and start writing. October 20th, always special. It is my birthday. I wonder what my mom was doing in exactly 25 years ago, the day when I was born ? Well, maybe at this time, she was sleeping,  waiting for be to be born. She said that it was not that tense. She’s a strong woman, so maybe, she’s right. Or maybe, she lied. She’s a good liar sometimes. She always lied when saying “no I am okay” when she is sick, or “go on, take on the last piece” when she is still hungry, and me or my brother are eyeing the last piece on th plate, or “no, I am fine” when I asked her if she get angry for my behavior, although she is. It is what a mother does right ? Lying to make their children feels better. Anyway, on 25 years ago, it is still aroud 11-12 hours until I cry to sign my existence on the earth. My mother always said that I was born right at the time it is to do the Jummah prayer, pretty neat huh ?

Anyway, enough about the past, let’s talk about today. Today, right now, here I am in my father’s house in Jakarta. Alone. In the dark room. The only source of lights would be my laptop, a peek of light from the bathroom door (which I forgot to switch off after use), and the air conditioner’s light indicating that it is turned on. Those lights are accompanied by the ticking clock, the hum of the air conditioner, and the clicking sounds my laptop’s keyboards made when I type on them. Lovely. I always love this ambience, I write nicely in this kind of condition. One of my friend said that it’d be bad for my eyes, I know it might, but, I don’t know, I’m feeling that it just right. I write whenever I feel like to. People saying that it is sentimental, melancholy, or anything, I don’t care. I just simply, truly love it.

That was the detail in my current situation, let’s take the present talk into something in a broader sense. I am now in a phase of boredom of life. Many said that it is the quarter life crisis, when life is getting it’s grip to suck everything out of you. I don’t know. I enjoy my life. In fact, I have to be grateful for it. Of course, my family are fine, I am surrounded by great persons, the likes of Aya, Cakky, Geja, Reja, Nata, Meok, Irul, Fahmi, Diptjeu, Diva, Aros, Aboy, Ojun, Dawot, Archyd, Bosky, Yassa, Rendy, Adi, Mrs. J, my nice current class mates and senpais as well, I’m blessed being surrounded by these people.  Even those from the past are sometimes comes to my dream just to say hi or something. I have to be grateful. But sometimes, life is going to flat for me. I feel hollow. I can’t really explain it, but it is. Sometimes. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, it is just that. I just do. I just do laugh, I do cry, I do smile, but that’s just that. Sometimes I don’t even understand why. I don’t know how to say it, but it is something like that.

But anyway, 25 years is not a short time. In 25 years Lionel Messi can make himself known to the world, in 25 years, video games have evolved into something people in 25 years ago never think of, in 25 years, I’ve grown up from a little baby, a crybaby, obnoxious schoolboy, nerd, slackers, and finally into something(or one ?) I am right now. Well, I hope in the next 25 years, I could be something that my mom and dad can be proud of. Anything though, anything. A writer, a diplomat, lecturer maybe, anything. I don’t like to set goals too much. It’s just kills me whenever I missed the score. So, for a while, I’ll follow anywhere the wind blows. As long as it doesn’t bring me into oblivion, I’m fine with it. Maybe.

See, I use so many maybes. That is simply because human’s life is so complicated, it can go anywhere, it can go right, it can go wrong, it is just go. People can make plans, but in the end, the God have His own better one. So, whatever happen it’ll just happen. Sounds like a fatalist –relying on fate- but, God won’t even give us His plan if we just stay and not doing anything. Sounds contradictory with my previous paragraph ? Not really, I’m still doing my best on finishing my master course, when it’s over, I can pick those 3 ways anyway. A fatalist would just stay at home, waiting for something good to happen. I am not. I go to the university, takes the class which mostly I’ve understood through the study of many mangas I’ve read since I was 10 or something, socialize, read novels and other books, pretty sure it won’t be a waste, and it is not ‘doing nothing’. I’m just waiting for the wind to be blown.

In the end, this writing is totally random. I don’t expect this to be good. I don’t really expect anyone to read this, maybe some regulars visitor to my blog will. It is totally spontaneous. Anyway, happy birthday, me.


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